words <-> thoughts <-> actions

Thinking should not be taken for granted, even by those who don't do it very often. Thoughts usually appear as if from out of nowhere some say. Ideas! Yeah, rigt! The reason of most thoughts is something we heard or something we read about. The ideas of others. Ideas put into words.

So words should be even more deliberate than thoughts because they have the power to interact on others. Everyone knows what words can do, we wrote essays about it in basic school. Telling others to be careful with what they say has become such a banality that most of us don't even notice it any more. (Using the same words to tell the same things reduces their power?) Nevertheless, words can be interpreted in a million different ways and we should certainly keep in mind the fact that our interpretation is not the only one existing...
But that is not what I wanted to write about.

Thoughts have been racing in my head at the speed of light lately. All kinds of thoughts. Desperate, confused, surrendering, fighting, enlightened, funny, stupid, difficult, depressionist, egocentric thoughts. Sleep disturbing thoughts. Where they all come from? I'm not always sure myself. From what I've seen, read, heard, saw, felt. It's a synthesis of all and nothing. Most of them just fade into dust, erased by the new and better ones. Some of them I write down because I might need them later on. Some of them I say out loud (and rarely regret afterwards). But some of them I keep repeating in my head like a record: on and on and on again. The thoughts that have been going on for a long time without ever really stopping are the ones that I wanted to write about.

Because it's the ones that feel comfortable, the thoughts i'm used to, that appear in dreams and even in daydreams; it's the thoughts that lead to actions. I don't mean actions like brushing teeth or going out to have a beer with some friends. I mean actions that I've been thinking over, out and through for such a long time that at the end they become necessary for me to realise. Actions that enable me to move on, to other thoughts, leading to other actions. Actions that make me feel something. That make me feel better about myself and the ones surrounding me (the ones giving me those thoughts)...

Humorous, angry, mocking, provocative words leading to unsure, insecure, "pohhuistlik", self-confident, libertarian, depressionist thoughts and the tender vibration of a cutting-machine (tondeuse) on the back of my head...

What are we doing tomorrow Brain?

pour quoi j'ose pas?

miks ma ei julge?

A & R & T

rata-tata-tata-taaa
tara-tara-tara-raaa
tiri-riri-piri-tist
rotting rattling machinist
tranglatoorne aratist
tartu taratonirist
ratumaarjalik turist
ratigaalne retorist
tara tara tarte aux rats
türa türa train d'état
tartist rat artouring rong
raring tat taisait ping pong
rattist roem rolling rhymes
tarring tangles in distise
arritating arride ties
rat is artist and will rise

et elaks vanakool

keset kevadõhtu jorutavat joobust

pargis ühel oksal rippus poodu -

tavaline, hallis mantlis mees

kõlkus kaelapidi nööri sees

suu vaid oli veidi koerairvel

pilk näis seisvat ühel valgel pilvel,

aga jalad - ilusasti sirgu

justkui oleks äsja voodist virgund

- Evald Hermaküla -

Initial Motivation or Here We Go Again

Fist week of school has come to it's end and I have come to realise many things...

I now understand how little I did to get through last year, especially comparing to what I must do now. I have found out again that the university is all about undergoing the awfully annoying classes and tolerating horrible teachers in order to learn and evolve in the few subjects close to our heart. To apprehend a little more about who we are and what we want to be by the guidance of those so-called maîtres à pensée (maybe not exactly the "cultural heroes" that Limonov claimed extinct, but still a sort of little local gurus for those who appreciate their ideas). Pity for those who haven't found that sort of John Cage-like intellectual guides in the course of their studys. I did and find them most inspiring and motivating. Especially because the majority of lecturers give the reverse effect. This is what makes school tolerable, what makes me go on with more courage. This is why I love all of it so much!

I've also come to understand that, contrairy to the 2nd year, we are being taken very seriously now all of the sudden. As if we'd grown up over the summer. As if this year was a crach course, the ultimate test before letting us jump into the big void called life. And it is kind of scary, hearing teachers call us "future artists" and so on. I don't feel all that grown up at all...

And I'm only starting to realise all the oportunities that lie ahead and how much I've yet to learn. It's almost too much to handle. But time limits and stressful conditions are what make me work best. And I have the feeling that this is what we'll be having non-stop during the whole year. Terrifying but excellent. What more could I ask for!

All Ends Lead To New Beginnings

Here I am, on short pre-shool and post-work vacation and living now in my new home (keys in the pocket and name on the letter box :)

Yes, I was working during three weeks in a hospital (hôpital du jour) for old people, where I did all the dirtiest dutys for 35 hours a week and a lousy pay. And last week-end I did even more than that - working as a bartender in a nightclub two nights in a row. That was tyring but great! I like working without permissions and contracts. I like mixing cocktails to people and then watching them dance.

And friday, right after my last day of hideous hospital work I packed up my little bag and moved to my new home...

Now I'm living in a huge appartment with three guys, in a great neigbourhood right near the school. I have my own tiny room and practically my own personal bathroom (it took me over three hours to clean it up!). And I'm starting to like it here more and more. It's true that this place is a real bachelor-guys' home - dirty dishes and random stuff lying around everywhere; three computers to spend their days playing on; pasta and frozen pizza for lunch and dinner every day; empty bottles, dust and other mess... But oh well, I can get used to it. I just need to clean up a bit and get some order in the kitchen and solve the huge decoration problem...

But in general I'm very much content with where I ended up (by miraculous chance, as always) and that school is starting soon and that the jam sessions are as great as always à la Grotte.

Sunshine in Strasbourg and peace in my mind. This is one of those rare times when I can look back and see the reason of negative things happening to me. Everything that happens has a reason. It's the positive ending that matters. And the new promising beginnings... :)

Oh Belgium!

Brussels is great! I'm loving every little bit of it: it's big, but not too big (as long as we can take the tram for free everything's fine). It's quite dirty, but then again - who likes clinically clean places anyway. It's an international melting pot, which makes the people here more tolerant and open. Brussels is a friendly city, unlike the French metropolitans. Drivers are not trying to kill every pedestrian, no-one feels insulted if you look at them and there's no problem with giving beer to homeless people on the streets and having a little chat with them.

I don't even have to mention that the beer is unbeatably fantastic here - tastes great, keeps the party going and creates unexpected encounters. Yes, our birthday party went really well, even though we had given up on it 'cause out of ca 70 people that we had invited, only one showed up - Maiu's brother. As Jaan Tätte sings: the ones I invited did not show up and the ones i forgot were there on time ("kõik kes kutsusin need jätsid tulemata, need kes unustasin aegsalt olid platsis..."). So, thank beer for the unexpected encounters which brought to our little party some Swiss, Polish, half-Russian and half-French people! What turned out was a mixture of drinking, laughing, dancing, singing and much much more...

And now I'm old all of the sudden:) Must leave this wonderful city soon. Must take responsibilitys and face the reality again. Must continue whatever I was doing or not doing back in Strasbourg (which seems so small, hostile and insignificant from up here). As if nothing had ever happened. And all that because they don't have the same university program in Brussels...
But maybe I'll come back someday and stay a bit longer, to see if I'd be able to live in the bourgeois-paradise called Belgium. (Or maybe not because Douglas Adams does have a point!)

And our theme song here is "Je t'ammène au vent" by Louise Attaque :)

Completely Normal

(this is a GIF but it's not working :/)

J'aime mes amis. Surtout ceux qui comprennent l'humour divin et le depressionism.
This is another nostalgy-tribute to "once we were young and made things happen". But I believe that we still have time. Some days left of our shiny youth before we start getting all rational and paper-obsessed and wrinkly.
That's why I dedicate this to:

* when we didn't go to Berlin
* germans who said "beer" in stead of "hello"
* red boots and green hair (and vice versa)
* butterfly wings and Velbaum-exhibitionism
* võtted and flying teddy bears (or beers?
* the days when we put chemistry classes into practice with the C-H-O-O-L
* the drink-on-the-hill for any occasion possible (especially exams of course) tradition
* the musi-blackmailing and butt-mesuring
* when Vilbur became my deskmate
* the day we put gasmasks on people and made them think they're under the ceiling
* how we wrote poetry to Neeme
* the one day where the sun didn't rise for certain people because rum and absinth don't mix
etc, etc...

Of course all these events took place during our journey to "the right way" (Õige Tee), there are many more that took place after and that are to start happening in less than 24 hours. I thought it would be nice to celebrate the reunion of Mainnu by remembering some of the good old days when we were smart and scary and somewhat... less normal should I say

Today

Today, two years and one month ago (25/06/2004), I was on a boat sailing into the unknown. But I was not alone because some adventures begin and end in a pleasantly unexpected way. With people who we might not have noticed (reconnu) at first but who, as we might find out later on, will always be part of something special in us...

Today, exactly two years ago (25/07/2004) Maiu and I left the park of Dijon with the intention to go spend a few days in Mâcon or Cluny. But we never got there actually, because standing by the road somewhere in the middle of Bourgogne, near the wide vineyards, a car passed by. The old french couple driving that car decided to turn around and help two foreign hitchhikers who spoke practically no French. So that is how we ended up in Cormatin and then climbing high and walking far to be able to see Sirli, brother Matthew and thousands of more people and contemplate the magnificence of that little magical hill that I miss so much sometimes.

Last Week

Tuesday morning I get a call from the work agency, they want to know if I'm free this week, in the afternoon I go there and come out with a four-day job in Zara.

Wednesday: 8h50 - it is the first day of "soldes", the store is ready to open earlier than usual. Inside, the team is making nervous jokes, some early shoppers are already waiting behind the doors. I will be working in the cabins today - distributing little
numbers and taking back the unwanted articles.
Everyone's really nice (except for the shoppaholics maybe) even though I'm a newbie and don't really know what to do. I find it hard to believe: me, working in Zara?! Me, working!!!
18h00 - my workday ends, I am completely tired and my legs hurt, but no time to stop and wine, I have some moving to do. I run home and pack my stuff, then take the bike and go looking for a supermarket with caddies. Riding a bike and pushing a caddy at the same time is quite a sport to do, but no time for walking.
20h00 Cath (my new post-strike friend) arrives and I make three tours between the caddy and my room (which is on the fourth floor) to get everything downstairs. It starts raining so we decide to take the tram. Today I'm moving most of my stuff to Mélanie's place - in a cool little apartment, not far from the centre and the train station.

Thursday: my last moments in the Gallia dormitory (I hope to come back!), I pack my last and most important things and say goodbye, bonnes vacances!
Moving for the second time, this time to Valentine's place because Mélanie can host me only from July. Her tiny apartment is right under the roof which makes that most of the rooms are triangular. And she has a stinky rat that is feeling lonely and needs taking care of. She herself isn't there so I eat her pancakes (otherwise they would go bad, I can't let good food go to waste, can I!), listen to her music (Louse Attaque!) and water her plants. Otherwise I'm too tired to do anything else, all those shopping people at work just take all my energy.

Friday: I'm starting to get to know my new temporary colleagues, they are funny and nice. And I'm wondering if Zara hires only beautiful and stylish people and only gay guys. Which is a shame (for me and all the girls in the world I mean) because those guys are damn great. This is just another proof of the theory about all the good men. Sigh...
I finish at 16h and buy myself a frozen pizza just because I'm so hungry after standing up and folding clothes all day and because I now have an oven to bake it! In the evening we go to the cinema with Mél to see "Paris je t'aime", which consists of many short films by different directors and the subject is meeting in Paris. So we see very different interpretations and styles and actors (Elijah Wood and Natalie Portman for example). Romantic, tragic, funny, thrilling, sad, freaky, fictional, etc...

Saturday: My last and longest day at work, but this time I am in the Traf section, which is a collection for the young and stylish and is probably the most peaceful (if you can say that at a sales period) part of the store. It makes me want to try things on, makes me want even more to be working full-time with the beautiful people. This time everyone makes an effort to finish early because it's the football night. And to celebrate my re-started vacations and also to relax after the long work, we go out for a beer with some of my (now ex-) colleagues. Afterwards I speed to the place where a mass of people are watching foot on a giant screen.
You should see what happens every time France wins (and I hope this was the last!!!). Streets and bars are full of happy people, screaming things like "allez les bleux" or just "yeaaah", roads are full of beeping cars, bleu-blanc-rouges waving everywhere. And that until at least 3AM...
I find it quite overexaggerated and slightly disturbing, but never mind that. I take some beer with Michelle, Manu and Roman by the river and then go to sleep.

Sunday: another moving, this time for real. Luckily Mélanie lives only some 200m from Valentine. This is my relaxing and watching tv.ee day. Good to do nothing and worry about nothing for a change.

Monday: taking care of some paperwork and job-issues and then I let myself give in a little and become that obsessed shopping person that I encountered in thousands in Zara. I just had to try on some Traf clothes to imagine what I would look like as a stiili-inimene (fashion person). Pheew, now it's done and I can be in peace. The rest of the day I spend downloading and watching movies ("Nu pagadi!"), eating and getting fat...
I hope that soon my routine will be changed again, but until then I enjoy my trankilou period. I also hope that someday I could become a real Zara team member, I wouldn't mind at all, in spite the aching feet and ill-mannered customers (oh yes, I have so much more respect for the number-giving and folding people from now on!)...

ei saa, ei oska. trouve pas.

selle suve algus ei luband palju head
värisesid lehed ja veritsesid read
sügisel lähen, lähen ära siit taas

mu pea on segi löödud
ja unistused poodud
kuid hing on veel sees
ja elu sitaks ees
(Psychoterror)

Oooh Prantsusmaa/France! je commence d'en avoir assez moi aussi. No, no, actually it's not about the country, it's about me. Logique. Even if there are things to do and free concerts and little afterpartys and beforepartys and interesting people and..., the most interesting seems to be still somwhere else (escape instead of confront-problem?)... Where? In my head most often. Of course.

But I don't want to start blaming the stupid french chauvinism and byrocracy again. Their systems are "special", no doubt. But isn't it my own little problem?? (See on ju minu enda probleem kui ma ei suuda tempoga kaasas käia ja olen väike ja vaikne ninanokkija, kes ei saa hakkama.) It's so easy to blame the others...

Nii lihtne on öelda, et näe ei suuda, ei saa, ei oska. Ja ei oskagi. Ei tea kuidas läbi lüüa ja ennast kaela määrida. Raskem osa on hoopis sellest lollist häbelikkusest/tagasihoidlikkusest/laiskusest (ja kurat teab mis kõik veel) lahti ja üle saada, jalga trampida ja nõuda. Exiger! Sest kõik mis ma teha oskan on olla tubli seinaäärne, ilusti küsida ja negatiivse vastuse korral "ah? noh, olgu.." ("ah bon? bon bah d'accord..") kosta. HALE!!! Pitoyable! Pathetic! Ja siis veel vinguda. All I know is wining. Ja ooh kuidas veel. It's the best thing I can do (as you could notice here). Oh oh poor me, vaene mina. Everything's a mess and I don't know what to do. Boo-hoo-hoo! Laske ma nutan. Laske maha parem.

Enam ei ole kedagi appi jooksmas ja kätt hoidmas. You're on your own now kid. Lohutan ennast kuidas saan ("oh well"; "tant pis pour eux"; "pohhui, anarhia värk?"...). Samal ajal kui lootus endale vaikselt mulda peale viskab. Varsti läheb vist kolimiseks. Moving = moving on? Because the crazy lady from a Noir Désir song told me today:

si vous trouvez plus rien, cherchez autre chose

oi nina-eesti kollid
oleme nii lollid
halek kägu sigalind
sina mind ja mina sind
ime-muna-mõttetus
homme algab päev uus
õllemättal surnud on
väsinud hullvärdjaskonn
mida teha mida teha
kahel jalal sama reha
vilbur nilbur murelaps
kodulehast õhk on paks
üksi kaksi kolmandad
jalga persse pakuvad
vanad ajad olid moes
joome teed ja käime poes
homme jeebus veest saab viin
siin käis sital otto-triin

D como Depressionismus

I have a hole in my sock. So it happened that I fell out of it and lost myself...

her sneeze would make me smile
it has been quite a while

tic toc. tic toc

my mood is a placebo song. and all the rest that turn in my head.
i have been escaping into the crowd from my thoughts because thinking makes panic. now there is no more crowd. reality check. so i sing out loud to know i'm still here. i'm like a broken juke box: from tony braxton to avril, from terminaator to taizé. just don't stop the music or else i'll disappear into the void.

and then she'd say, it's ok, I got lost on the way
but I'm a supergirl and supergirls don't cry...

have my brain running on record speed. make it stop. doesn't feel like being a supergirl lately.

and don't forget to breathe
and pay before you leave

all i want is to become so tiny and hide myself behind your ear. i promise i won't bother.

la vida es una flor-syndrome

credo cuia absurdum est

Kirjutan täna eesti keeles. Pohhui. Õlu ja punkrokk. Nagunii käib siin lugemas ainult väike kontingent ja need kes aru ei saa, ei peagi saama. Ils ont cas apprendre la plus belle langue du monde.

Mu viimase aja tähtsaimaid tegemisi võiks kirjeldada lausega: palju mõtteid, vähe tegusid. Kuigi see ei ole päris korrektne, sest ma olen tegutsenud päris aktiivselt, aga mitte ehk selle kallal mida peaksin tegema... Aga kui inimesed tulevad mu peale selle pärast karjuma, siis ega mul ei tekigi suuremat tahtmist ennast parandada. Vastupidi, otsin hoopis teisi väljapääse. Karjuvaid inimesi välistavaid variante. Agressiivsus, ärvardamine, ultimaatumite seadmine on lihtsaim viis mind närvi ajada. Õelus ja isekus ka. Lollusest täna ei räägi.

Aga ma olen üldjuhul rahulik ja rahumeelne inimene. Viimasel ajal ka väga optimistlik ja natuke lapsemeelne. Korraldan oma elu omas rütmis, mis mõnele võib ehk paista praktilise liikumatusena, aga las siis olla.

Viimasel ajal kuuldud/peetud vestlused ja loetud mõtted (Barthes) panid mind aru saama kui paljud asjad on maailmas poliitilised. Isegi need, mida mitte kuidagi ei tahaks selle roppusega seostada. Minu meelest võiks poliitikat mitte olla, kas see ei lahendaks mitmeidki probleeme?! Ma ei tea kah...

Vahest oleks tore muuta kõik distantsid nullilähedaseks. Miks ei ole me veel teleporteerumismasinat leiutanud, sellist nagu "Hyperionis" on? Ma siis porteeriks ennast vahetevahel natuke mujale. Mitte et siin igav oleks, aga mu sotsiaalne elu nullistub igal nädalavahetusel ja raske südametunnistuse koorem (pluss karjuvad inimesed) ei lase mul endassetõmbunult vajalikke toiminguid ajada. Oh seda minu põikpäisust.

Mul on au teile teatada, et mul on kaks väga head sõpra. Ühte neist ma ei tunne, aga see ei heiduta mind sugugi. Teine on kaugemal kui esimene, aga see heidutab ainult natuke. Sest kaugel on parem kui väga kaugel. Või mis sina arvad?

Ma olen süüdimatu hull. Funnyfarm is the place where I belong. Et j'assume. Ja mis siis. Karjuge mu peale palju tahate, nagunii teen lõpuks nii kuidas ise heaks pean. Süüdimatult.

"Iga elatud päev on samm lähemale iseenda surmale..." milleks siis veel aega raisata mõttetute "vajalike" asjade peale, kui peaks hoopis ütlema: "SÕIDAME!"

Arts en grève ehk kunst on surn'd!

The free-lance teachers of the Arts section in Marc Bloch university found out last Friday that they have worked as volunteers without knowing since January, some even since September. So all the Arts (visual arts, theatre, music and cinema) teachers decided to go on a strike to fight for the rights of their non-aggregated colleagues. And not only.

Now that the teachers are on strike, we don't have any classes (who knows how long it will last) so most of the students are actively supporting the strike. Even though the president of the university announced Monday evening that the salaries will be payed, it was already decided (with the Arts section's director in the front row) to go on and further, to get better conditions and not be treated as a secondary section/education.

So now the free-lancers are giving inerviews to the press, the students distribuing flyers and painting signs to inform people, musicians playing in the streets. Many actions (like packing city sculptures into plastic/paper, street expositions, human chain, as well as other performances and manifestations) are being planned.

It is hard to say how long this will last or what will be gained (if anything), but the value of arts and culture in the society seems to have been put under question. How far will the action go and what impact will all this have on our schoolyear (which was supposed to end in already five weeks)? I keep asking myself as many others do...

I am still trying to make up my mind about these recent events. No comments to give for the moment I guess.

PS: maybe this is it?

en a marre

Ma vist ei tea mida kirjutada / I don't know what to write, but it's kind of sad to see my blog so quiet/immobile these days... Can't say i've been busy. Ou bien peut être...

Don't ask for news, il y'en a pas. I'm doing things that i'd rather not do. Spending the time i'd rather use for other things. And people. And a project that's taking far too long to realise.

It's the immobilité that makes me sad. And yet all the trouble we need to go through for nothing.

Sensless and useless times get a change sometimes, thanks to mon truc mignu and mythical stories of times that Were Not. Life of the infamous tudeng that I've wanted to live for so long gets me up and going sometimes. Beer and marzipan help in the worst situations. And the new plant I got to have something to take care of.

...................................................................................

Iguess there's only one thing left to do (unless we want to keep waiting of course): play along.. This comedy that sometimes becomes quite absurd, absorbed with sensless violence, overwhelming hypocrisy and the poinlesness of being. Don't let it all deceive you, it's just a cameratrick. Just play along and hope and pray that the one who wrote the script wasn't a hopeless pessimist...

Well, and if that doesn't help, have a beer in your own pleasant company and eat pink marzipan!

She looked at me and said: "you know, in France there are a lot of old men, former professors and journalists who now just live under bridges spending their days reading and drinking wine. »
I became quite interested in what she was saying and I knew that I now had a new career ambition and a retirement plan.

Mike Straight


---------------------------------------------------
(the wall of the kitchen in Köpi)

I thought I should write since I'm in the mood...
Comment ça va? Ühest äärmusest teise. I guess. Never been better. Never been worse.

Speaking more English these days which is quite good. Waiting for the school to start. Why? I don't know... I guess I like it. Weird me?

Searching for things. Hoping. On my luck. Waiting for a miracle. Or not. Waiting for things to get to their end. Wondering what will happen next.

Life is funny here. Never gets too boring. I can feel the humour testing my nerves, but what can we do... Such is life, si vous permettez utiliser cette expression. If you find your life boring, go study in France and become au pair to earn your living! Result guaranteed. What kind? Ah, but that's a surprise!

I know someone who is somewhere where I'm not. Enjoy! Hoia lipp kõrgel (tead küll, see vertikaalis sinimustvalge) ja tervita Marcot ja muid Maison Rose taguseid limonaadijoodikuid!