Annu et sa Fautalité

When I was in 3rd grade (that means about 9 years old) I had this really annoying game. Well, fun for me, but annoying to others that is. The game was simple: sweeping with violent moves repeatedly over the heads of others with a small towel in order to annoy them and mix up their hair. The whole action was accompanied by a simple little song saying "mina ei ole süüdi" (I'm not guilty). As if trying to say to the world that I assume my actions, but I am not responsable for them... or something.
I still sometimes wonder how did my tolerant deskmate manage to bear me throughout the nine years of basic school.

Today, at university, I get quite often the feeling of being somehow out of the context. A weird creature who belongs and at the same time really doesn't. Maybe it's just me wanting to believe that I belong. Or maybe it's me wanting to believe that i'm different... Or both and at the same time.

As my game faded into history (to the gratification of many victims), a groupe (maybe it could even be called a movement) was created among some of my classmates. We called ourselves "nohikud" (the nerds) and we even had our own manifest and a song (which was about how the nerds are not particularly clean and are proud of their appearance). So I was now wondering if that groupe was formed in order to struggle against "the popular ones" (against whom I in later years used the old wisdom of "if you can't fight them, join them") or maybe it was an unconcious manifest of being different. And not WANTING to be, because in basic school nobody wants to be different! Maybe it was just something "just like that" for fun and amusement, behind which there actually is no psychological meaning.

The reason why I started wondering about it was today's History exam. I got this feeling of fatality while writing it. Knowing that I won't make it, but still doing it... Saying to myself that it's not my fault that I can't write things by the right standards and in French.

Therefor I present you:
How To Do The Impossible, lesson 1:

"mina ei ole süüdi!" think it, say it, shout it, believe it, suggest it, want it, exclame it, dare it, declare it, know it, throw it...

pohmakajutud. overhanging and monkeys.

It had been very long since the last time I had a party. It was unexpected but very much needed. Juan's appartment, lots of people and even more alcohol. I think I have never seen a party quite like this before - like in the movies, where the place is packed with crowd so that it's difficult to move around, the music playing loud and the fridge full of good drinks. Juan and his famous coctails. Lots of friend's friend's friends. A guy with a monkey (I poked the monkey in the ass and got no reaction..) . No stress. No worries. It was great. And I could have gone on and on but everyone who hadn't left, started falling asleep at about 4AM and I had to work in the morning, so I left them to their soon-to-be hangovers.

This morning I woke up later than I was supposed to, missed my working time and didn't feel completely sober yet, but I just thought to myself: "hi-hi" and didn't worry about anything. Ahhh... quel bonheur!

It's quite amusing to remarc what different people do when drunk. My mission of the evening was to "arrange" couples (since I have no need to do it for myself I do it for the others ;). Or more like show them "the right way" (mostly necessary for the guys who are too shy and who just don't get the point). I think it actually worked a little. For example: I started talking to the "third party" who was obviously in the way and then the alcohol/attraction did the rest. I guess sometimes it was quite obvious, but harmless. Pas des pretentions.

Alcohol is funny when not overdosed and if everyone around you have consumed equally. Being sober and watching drunk people is not funny. Being the only drunk person is embarrasing. And then there's this overwhelming intelligent conversation part: talking about something superseriously without actually progressing to any conclusions. Last night I talked about the soviet union and repression politics, about breaking through in art business, about school and Estonia and lots of other stuff, but it was just small-talk and I don't have to feel bad about not remembering what was said. Nor feel bad about talking a lot about nothing or saying stupid things like: "you know, you look like a rock star". Huge parties are great because you can talk to lots of people and if at some moment they become uninteresting you can just swich to someone else and nobody minds.

Thank you mister hangover-god for this blessed evening. Or should I thank Juan and his super organiser skills? I can happily go on working and studying, now that I feel normal and social again. Amen.

Nothing To Say

Three out of four lamps in my room don't work any more so I have this non-stop romantic ambiance here. Ligthed by the laptop screen.
Viiruk põles ammu ära.
Laua peal on segamini palju asju: märkmikud, sõnaraamatud, rohud, plaadid, pliiatsid, sendid, tühjad karbid ja kilekotid, tolm ja tshekid. Põrandal on mitmed erinevad kotid, jalanõud, kunstitarbed, ajalehed ja erinevas seisundis paberid, mõned sokid ja tühi Faro pudel.
I've been doing nothing the whole weekend. Haven't got out since Thursday afternoon, after my esthétique class got canceled and I had nothing better to do than just enclose myself in my room. That's the third week when I'm babysitting on the weekend night.
Today I've been reading the not-so-new-any-more Harry Potter. It's not getting too interesting. I almost fell asleep.

My life is so boring. I feel like a vegetable. Like some grandmother. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Like I can't get out. Can't get away. Where would I go? I feel like shopping, there are so many things I could use right now to make me feel better... But I have no money to do that...

Käisin vanas tuttavas tudengite nn toetuskontoris vm, kust saab õppetoetust ja ühikat taotleda jne. Milline teenindus, sõbralikkus ja abivalmidus, lihtsalt uskumatu!
Tahtsin (veel üks kord!) teada, kas ma saaks järgmine aasta toetust. Vastus (põiklev kuid ülikompetentne): ei tea, tule hiljem tagasi või mine küsi teise inimese käest. Yeah, génial!
Mis mõte sellel üldse on? Nagunii ei saa. Ma ei looda, ei usu enam. Nagunii pean hakkama virelema ja veel hullemini kui see aasta. Otsima jälle tööd (võimatu!) ja elukohta ja täiesti üksi hakkama saama, sest "kallis sa pead iseseisvalt elama". Ja mis siis kui ei saa? Kui ei suuda? Kurat küll. Persse kõik ja Tallinna Rimi siit ma tulen. Tant pis pour nous tous. Kes on süüdi?
How lame, how devastating on mõelda juba praegu sellele, mis ma aasta pärast tegema pean.

Oh when will it end? Ou Plutôt: why won't it end quicker?

Tahaks juba ema pakki saada ja leida sealt palju lohutavat kommi ja barankat, mida siin oma toas vaikselt krõmpsutada püüdes unustada kõik...

külm on süda ja tühi on kõht
perset sügan ja sinna saadan kõik
dekadents

Things I Like [vol 2]

I like artistic correspndance by mail. It hasn't taken off too productively yet, but there are plenty of ideas. I should make a 'carnet des idées' to make sure I won't forget something important. The first thing I would probably write down would be a photo-film about the adventures of a back-pack who lost his backpacker. Maybe he shouldn't jump off tour Eiffel in the end, why not make a happy ending where he finds a real good buddy, a hitchhiker ;) (Xavier)
I also like Kinder Chocolate. Maybe a little too much. I never get enough.
I like practical evaluations at school where I can see all the works that the others have done departing from the same subject. They as well have lots of ideas. I would like to join the forces and make something unseen, but artists are egoists as they say, I don't know if it would work...
I like being home alone and cooking for myself and listening to loud music and dancing like Freddy/Eerik while shouting out "ja vabaduus. ja võrdsuus. ja vendlus. ja õugluus. ja pee-eeldiik..."
I like the short and precious moments of seeing Fred and being able to give him a huge kalli.
I like working under pressure: two days in a row studying till late and I'm not even tired :)
I like long and warm showers while everyone else are sleeping. I like taking coffee at the distributor at school and watching people in Palais Universitaire and in my year and wondering what are they planning to do with their art education.
I like the way Ombeline (the middle girl of 2,5 years) calls me something like 'hié' and I like the way the cathedral looks in the sunshine.

Things I Like [vol 1]

I know that I write a lot about how things are not going well and so on. You would think I'm a bitter old bitch who's never happy with anything, so I better change a little of style and write about the things that I like.

The first thing on my mind at the moment is school - Université Marc Bloch de Strasbourg and my field of Arts Visuels. I really like Palais Universitaire - the building of arts - it's huge and beautiful and has this artistic feeling to it. (Here's the view from the outside, from the inside and from behind with the park.)

A little about the subjects: my favorite out of all theory classes is the Actuality and Perspectives of Contemporary Art. I learn a lot, see new things and hear new names and what's most interesting - everything we learn is about Now, no history, no old conservative guys fighting about whether painting is more important than poesy or vice versa.

Then there's monsieur Goulon, my teacher in Atelier Gravure and Atelier Polyvalent. He is the best teacher ever, who knows exactly what he wants and how to get it to make our classes as productive as possible and show us the way to knowledge:) Plus, he doesn't stop making all these sarcastic (not really French-like) jokes. It's always fun and educating. He knows everything we'd get the impression.

In Gravure, our first assignment was to make an autoportrait, print it on a blank postcard and mail it to him. After that we were making nude croquis, which as I've learned is quite rare here.

In Atelier Polyvalent we have the whole semester to make a personal work and a research on the subject. I guess it's a good training for our final projects, but unfortunately I haven't had time to really work on that yet. I am researching the movement of Mail Art and my work was supposed to be a huge post pack with as many stamps as it takes to mail me to Belgium (it is actually impossible, I already asked at the post office. I should loose more than 30kg to make it, tant pis pour moi). When I told about this idea to M. Goulon he didn't seem to be superinspired so maybe I should get a new one... But what???

Another great class is English: we sit in a circle and talk, every week two studens have to present their personal work. It's very interesting to find out what others are doing and what they think. To me it's a real zen relax class where I can sit back and feel good.

Of course there are plenty of other subjects (12) and teachers, but as I decided to keep up a positivist line, I'd rahter not write about all the boring, stressful, difficult things.

Niisama. Just. Comme ça.

Since I already got started with this stuff, better cotinue as well. Even though I find it a bit mindfree (ajuvaba) and campy to put up poems and pictures in blogs, but it's to make a little change of style, something for the soul...

Niiet minu lemmikluuletus ja arvatavasti ka mu lemmikluuletaja (üks ainsaid, kelle kirjutistesse olen pikemalt ja sügavamalt süvenenud). Ju see tuleb sellest, et ma lugesin "Meelisklusi" (oli vist nimeks) juba väga noores eas, mil ma ta luuletustest veel midagi aru ei saanud, aga külge jäi...

Otsija

Ma otsin ja otsin tõde,
et olla temale õde.

Mu õel on lapitud särk
ja otsmikul hullumärk.

Igal liival mu jalajälg,
ma ise janu ja nälg.

Heljo Mänd



And to finish off this mawkishness, here's a great artistic moral by Kandinsky: an artist must stay blind to "recognized" forms and deaf to teachings and just do. So I did. Nobody can judge me :p

I should be reading my smart art book by Kandinsky instead of writing this. But what the hell. Too tired of consuming synesthésie in French. The art work progressing in snail speed. Almost as slowly as mail gets from Belgium to France and back.

Not much news. I got some new friends at the university, which is comforting. They feel as drowned in work as I do, which is consolatory. They have more time than I to do it, which is devastating. My work (the one with kids i mean), as undifficult as it is, takes a lot of time (more than it should have).

oi juttu nii hullu
lollimat kui tuunakala mullu
peale süüa seenesalatit ja kurki
tundlad ligunema hapukoorepurki
saab täis kõht ja pea
süda ordenitest läigib
teeks veel mõnele vanale munnile pähe turakas
ja nii see eluke meil
kolgata-jaani poole käibki

(F.Grenzmann)


Next time I will try to put up some of my own work. Once I'll have time to do some...

In the meanwhile - watch out for the dimple attack!!!

My Meal

It was so perfect today that I just couldn't resist sharing it to the whole world. What you see here is my meal of this evening (14th october 2005): rice and green beans. I can have some ham at the side (if ever it won't be enough) and wash it all down with ketchup in order to get a sort of a taste to it; prepared by the Missis of my host family. You would think that I'm trying to loose weight, but it's not at all the case. That's how we eat here all the time (very untypical for french people, believe me)!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



If anyone who reads this wants to know my actual address in order to send humanitary food packages, just leave your email in the comments and I will transmit it. I eat anything. French restaurant tickets and checks are also accepted. Thank you.

Nunnu & Annu

more stories about The System

Did I ever say that I HATE THE SYSTEM!!!!!! ?

Yes, I am now officially depressed and pessimist and things are getting only worse.
I found out today that I could have the authorisation to work immediately if I want, but the sad thing is that no one wants me to work for them. What the hell am I supposed to do with an authorisation without a job? :(

I've been trying to get my time scedual the whole week now. Impossible. The Art section is - I'm sure - the slowest and most chaotic of the whole university. Not that I mind, I like them anyway. Hopefully tomorrow I'll become enlightened, not that it helps my situation...:(

The girl who's borrowing me her room wants to start using it herself as soon as possible and is now calling me all the time to find out how is my home-hunt going and when will I move out (boo-hoo-hoo, it will evidently never happen!) :(

Last week I had a meeting for a job, a good and well-payed job and all: accompanying little children during lunch. It wasn't at all like an interview or anything - they didn't ask for my motivations, they just explained me the basics. Told me they'd call on Monday. My phone still haven't rang. :_

Today I met a lady who is looking for an au pair for her two little daughters. It went very well. Until she told me that she met one other girl as well and she will decide with her husband.
So I'm still homeless and workless because let me tell you one thing: if there is a choice between me and someone else it will never be ME, the chosen one.
I have no luck.

I have no hope.

I have no optimism.

depressed

no! i'm not depressed, i'm just being realistic.

i have no job, i have no home.

i'll never make it because there's just too much of everything.

nobody reads my blog any more.

my red hair will soon become history.

i'm becoming a hobo-geek.

who cares?

Working Field Adventures ehk kes otsib see ei leia

Being back in Strasbourg should have been a relief from all the "must see, must go, must buy, must must" stressfulness back home. Should have.

So here I am, looking desperately for a job to get money to be able to pay the home I don't have... I've distributed 15 CVs since I came back. That makes 19 in total and only one answer. Negative, of course, what did you expect!?
I personally don't expect a lot because there will always be someone with more working experience and - what's most important - FRENCH to take the place I need so much. No, I'm not being pessimist, but let me explain the local discriminating bureaucracy:

a) being a citizen of one of the new EU countries I must have an authorization to work in France

b) to get that authorization I need my student's card, social security and an address

c) to get my social security I need my student's card that I won't get before the registration sometime in September

d) to have an address I need money to pay the first month and the guarantee (which is at least as much as one month's payment); in some cases I must show my pay checks of at least last three months.

e) to get all that money I need a job to be sure I'll be able to pay all that and not die of hunger and buy my toothpaste.

f) to get a job... [read: point a)]


The story of my life.

...

santo subito

................12. may 1915 - 16. august 2005.................

Sweet Home Kalamaja...

...Mum I'm coming home to you!

In two day's I'll be back in my sweet little Estonia, in my beautiful little Tallinn, in my shabby little appartment! I can already smell the "lehkav kodumaa" and I must say it makes me pleasantly dizzy.

Today is packing day, tomorrow passes quickly and Sunday I just have to see how to entertain myself in between the flights. If everything goes as planned, I'll get to step on the ground of motherland before 7PM and have my little "welcome home"-beer (if mum won't forget of course).

For all the ones who don't know yet: I won't be coming for long and I won't be coming alone and that's why it's extra great!

Behold and see you very soon!

I Will Survive

So what's going on in my life lately?
I'm fine, thanks for asking! A bit too sweaty-sticky: it's heatwave in France and it's horrible. If anyone hates hot humid weather, don't come here! Go to London - there at least it's cold humid... Or Africa, even better (Sahara!) - no humidity what so ever! Or if you don't want then just stay where you are and continue doing nothing interesting with your life.

I have had quite a few interesting/funny/sad stories and incidents with Mme Perrin (about her you can read below) and her husband the Big Boss. Stuff concerning for example my work contract that ended before my EVS project, so I've been officially thrown out of the school now because, since I don't work, I have no right to live there and - after all - Lucie Berger is not a hotel! Plus I dared to host Maiu in my room and of course I didn't work and so on... And as it comes out in the end: I'm such a horrible person that you better stop knowing me and not read this blog ever again! You have been warned.

Now I have no work, so I'm just reading Tintin books, not doing much and time after time trying to find a job for the next year. Getting independant is hard! If someone has done it (and I mean like own money and living - the whole package), tell me how! I need to know your secret people!

And the big moral of today is: eat vegetables, don't play with fire and trust only yourselves!

Tu Sais Quoi?

Maiu said that I could write in French... Are you sure that it wouldn't bother you??? Paske je peu même écrire en langage d'ordi, ça me derange pa, mai la question C si il ia des personne ki compren ce ke je veu dir ou pa... :p
Oué je sai, je me la pète. Jarrete ttd suite. Voilà !

Don' t tell me it's not annoying when people write like that! It's annoying me as well because this has become the only way I can write in French. It's easier too, that's why - no difference in person, sex or other useless grammar stuff that they never even pronounce anyway. It's a question of being lazy or not. Guess under which do I categorize :p

It's a pity that I can't put photos up (stupid LB mind-controlled computers!) because otherwise I would put some things for vengeance. Anyway, if you're bored you can always see for yourself who's photos I want to expose to every reader because he did it with me and didn't ask my permission and I don't like the pic either: http://minipunknakins.skyblog.fr/ (for anyone who was irritated by my first paragraph I suggest not to look at the texts included)

Some news of Lucie Berger life maybe? Tomorrow is the last workday before a little - and not unwelcome - break. My project is slowly coming to an end, so are the others'. Diana will be the first one to leave us and this lovely, heavenly school-prison. Tomorrow evening we are organising a big dinner-party of "family and friends". I'm making kartulisalat. They better like it. And if not, c'est pas grave [pole hullu, tõlk.] - Diana will make lots of paella and Keiko prepares sushi.
Oh and: if anyone is interested in longer descriptions (as in old style me), let me know. At the moment I'm feeling flightly hovering in a grizz of thoughts and just writing whatever comes to my mind.

I don't know why I just remembered it... I guess it was because of the song "Where Is My Mind"... I know that certain people might say that it's a trash movie (yeah, well I didn't find "Mulholland Drive" too great:p), but it's still cute and romantic and all that cheezy girly stuff, and I've been wanting to re-see it for too long!!! If some of you are now burning with curiosity to know what am I talking about, here's a little hint:

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
I hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don 't hate you
not even close, not even a little bit, not even any at all
written by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith

Give us a big AAAAAWWWW!!! :)

And to conclure I must still answer the unanswered question, which probably isn't even a real question but just a secret message out in the wilderness (knock knock Neo):

Tu sais quoi?
-> tu es le plus mignon et le plus beau petit prince alias superboy du monde et univers même, et je suis serieuse moi et je ment pa et je suis folle amoureuse aussi et... et enfin... TOI quoi!!! :p

...

I'm still alive and well if anyone has been wondering. It's just that I'm a bit busy lately and a lot lazy and very much in love :) -> the three reasons why i haven't written anything for a while...

and I don't really know what to write any more because everything seems either too ordinary, too long to describe or just too personal. There are things that we can't put into words and publish just like that.
plus (taken from personal experience) - long and often renewed blogs are too hard to read even if really interesting, so people loose track and then it's already too late...
[maybe it's also bacause blogging has become so overwhelmingly popular these days that i feel a bit squished and demotivated] ...but enough already with stupid excuses!

so what's new?

heatwave in Strasbourg. Fourth day in a row with sunshine all the way and over 30 degrees of non-stop heat. Somebody send me a ventilator and lots of liquorice ice cream!!

I find myself more and more often thinking in French... Peut-étre je devrais écrire en français mainteanant? non, quand même pas, je suis encore trop nulle pour savoir bien écrire des choses, en plus je perdrais trop des lecteurs :p

across the street there is a house where people don't close their windows too often. On the third floor there lives a family with a little kid who always runs arond naked and cries and makes his mother yell at him. On the fourth floor it's even worse: a man who obviously likes walking around butt naked, not even bothered by the fact that across the street there is a school with people looking out of the windows at various times..

and a rhetorical question to put a point to my post:

is it just me or the French humor?

Woo-Hoo! Can't Get Any Smarter Than THAT! [my eye hurts]

I'm finally taking a break with the whole alcohol consummation. Let me tell you why. First of all, I had been drinking for about two weeks non stop. The last week I switched from beer to wine (‘cause beer is not too good for weight and so on)... So, every evening I was out, enjoying the great weather and drinking. It's dangerous to have spring unusually early I guess, makes people feel they're almighty...
So it was – another evening out, sitting under a bridge (yeah, that’s how low I’ve gone) with five bottles of wine and two friends. The bottles were emptying quite quickly when suddenly I realised that I had Annabelle’s fire chains with me. Never mind the fact that I don’t really know how to do anything with them, I decided I should practice a bit because I will have to perform with that for our school play at the end of May. What a weird coincidence that one of my friends had some fuel stuff, so I put my chains on fire just for the hell of it. Everything went considerably well. We drank some more. And then some more…
I don’t really remember the continuance of things but at some moment the guys found me swearing and covering my eye. Apparently – I had swung one of the lit chains right into my right eye. The fragment I remember is when I was covering one eye and then the other and saying something like: “oh look! One eye sees clearly and with the other one it’s all hazy… no but, no problem, I don’t mind!” I can suppose that my friends were quite shocked so they immediately took me to the nearest place for help – to the fire station. There I remember that young firemen put me into their truck and closed the doors and looked at my eye. When it was time to leave I had refused to get off the bed and out of the truck. I can imagine that the firemen had quite a few laughs on my account that evening. Oh well.
Next destination – first-aid station at the hospital. As soon as I heard that I was being taken (yeah, I couldn’t really walk alone) to the hospital, I started crying. Fred told me later that I had brought the disappearance of my favourite hippie-bus as an excuse for my tears. I think that the real reason was (even though I still wasn’t too sober) that I finally started to realise the seriousness of my situation – I couldn’t see well with my right eye!!!
In the hospital, as I vaguely remember, they looked into my eye with this light-machine-thingy, then they made me read letters from a board with my good eye (which wasn’t all that easy because the world seemed a bit hazy even with that eye) and then they stuck me up with eye drops and cream and Fred knows what else…
I think (or at least I hope) that on the way home I was quiet and humble, on the name of all the embarrassment I had caused to Fred and not mentioning myself… So now I’ve had to put stuff in my hurting eye about every four hours every day and quit alcohol (not only because of the eye). The traces of what I did are still there even though I don’t remember doing it. My eye lashes are about half the length they should be and I already removed the part of my scorched hair around the eye.
I have no idea what I would have done without Fred who practically carried me from one place to another and then put cream into my damaged eye. One other thing to thank is my outrageous luck that let me get away with just a superficial burn. I can still see!

Anyways, can you imagine anyone doing anything more fucking stupid than that? Well ok, maybe after an effort… But: “the bus is gone!”??? Geez!

Week-end in Germany

Last Friday we packed our little bags and went to visit Steffi with Marvin, Diana, Keiko and Virginie. She lives a few hours from Strasbourg, near Ulm. There was a lot of snow in Germany, which is a rare sight for someone who’s living in Strasbourg. The first thing we did after getting there was eat a lot (not that anyone was hungry). Then we played Rummy that we took with us extra for Steffi. She loves that game, I don’t know why. The rest of the evening we spent telling her all the news of Lucie Berger.
The next day after breakfast we all got into ridiculous (but warm) skiing outfits, grabbed some sledges and went to enjoy the snow. After a while of sliding down the mountain and climbing back up, gasping for breath we lost the childish spirit and headed back for some home-made cake. The rest of the day we spent playing games; learning choreography for the animators’ dance at the school’s final party; eating, looking at photos and discussing Anna.
The next morning we had a little festive brunch, after that a short sightseeing in Ulm (the town with the tallest church, the most inclined house and the place where Einstein was born). Finally, even after a nice relaxing weekend like that I was still glad to get back to our ugly-prisonny, but nevertheless sweet “home” :)
It’s good to be in Strasbourg!

Mme Perrin

Our dear Chuppa-Chups, what would we do without her? Probably party all day and night, practically never clean the salon nor wash the dishes, invite anyone we want whenever we want, never worry about anything… Yeah, that would be the luxurious life in Lucie Berger. But no, we’re stuck here with the board school supervisor, as she sees herself (let us not mind the fact that LB is not a board school for years now)… She lives in the school with her husband (who is the school director and a really nice person), in a huge apartment one floor downstairs from us. She is the one that is in charge of our accommodation and week-end/vacation nourishment. And she is the one that doesn’t want us to have any visitors ever (oops, I guess we kind of missed that rule).

There are a lot of stories about her, for example, why do we call her the fridge-bitch: Keiko had some mushrooms and salad that disappeared from her fridge, so she went and asked (frank as she is) the f-b if she had taken her mushrooms. Mme Perrin answered “No, but maybe it was the cleaning woman”…

One late Friday evening we were making cookies in our salon, it took quite a long while so we left the cleaning-up for the morning. But the next day when I wanted to get our key to the diner I found the salon locked. There was also a letter on our message board: “if you want to use the salon, make sure it is well cleaned”. So we weren’t able to have our breakfast and I still don’t know how she had imagined us cleaning up a room with the door closed. By the way, she did it once more some months later just because of three unclean plates.

It was already a long time ago when Marvin and I started collecting all of our empty alcohol bottles into a small cupboard. When Mme Perrin discovered it she immediately assumed that it was all drunk by Marvin. She insisted on cleaning the cupboard and insulted him by telling into his face that she thinks he has a drinking problem. Of course we didn’t clean anything – how could we possibly throw away our precious collection?! After the Christmas vacation, when Marvin came back to LB he found his room full of empty bottles. Yes, she often uses her double key to enter our rooms. I don’t know what she’s doing there but it annoys me as hell! Anyway, don’t think that we’re just a bunch of wussys here or that I’m not doing any small and quietly undermining revolutions. Of course we started our collection again, but this time we hid the key of the cupboard so that she can’t look inside and therefore have any problems about what’s there. If she should ever ask where the key is we’ll just tell that maybe it was the cleaning woman who took it ;)

Before Christmas vacation she gave me money (not a small sum) for food as I wasn’t going home like most of the others. Keiko was the second one staying here. She didn’t get anything, we discussed it and good-old Keiko went demanding right away. Mme Perrin had her money all ready in an envelope, but she wouldn’t have given it if Keiko would not have asked. Plus – she got less than I did just for no reason. There are plenty of other money-stories with her, actually – we’re having problems with that all the time.

But the most irritating about her is the nasty hypocritical nosiness: she always has to know when we are here; when are we leaving, where, with whom and to do what. She always has that disgusting smile on her face that’s so false, you could tell that she loves you as much as the dirt under her shoe. We just really love her, that sneaky, stealing, room-entering, party-ruining, double-faced bitch!!!

Tout le monde

I've been in Strasbourg for over five months now. Some things/people/opinions have changed since I last wrote about the people here, so I'll just make a new round:

Olivier: I still get the feeling that he doesn’t like me too much sometimes, but otherwise he’s a cool guy to have as a boss. I couldn’t say I really communicate to him a lot though…

Roland: he’s continually funny. It wouldn’t be the same without him and to be honest – I’d prefer to have him in charge here. He’s all chill and baila guy and doesn’t take it personally when we make fun of him. He doesn’t love working here too much, so he’s trying to make the dull stuff as amusing as possible.

Virginie: is replacing Audrey. I really like her, she is all about irony and that’s just too funny. Of course, she herself always stays serious. She has helped me a lot with the work and all (moral support), a very professional person, highly educated as well.

Eric B: replacing Aleks. He worked here some years ago and is being really active in organising ateliers and stuff. He is a very nice and friendly guy, but sometimes weird. He asks a lot of questions and tends to take everything personally. And as Marvin said: “He gays on me”… but then again maybe it’s just his paranoia because Eric has a wife and two kids. You never know...

Eric S: still our tutor with whom I don’t really communicate all that much. I get my real support from other people I guess…

Steffi: unfortunately just lately left Strasbourg to continue her studies. She is sooo funny, the way she laughs and everything. We had a huge, you could say – massive – good-bye party organised for her. It’s kind of quiet here without her…

Marvin: what would I do without him?! He is still my best friend out of all the people here. If I have a problem I go to him. If I like or don’t like someone I tell him about it. We mostly share the same opinions about things and people, so making jokes about "things" is our daily routine. We talk about everything, we have parties together, we break the rules together etc. He can sometimes be a really typical guy, but it is mostly forgivable so I don’t really mind.

Keiko: I am so SO sorry for making fun of her before getting to know the real person behind all the weirdness. I just love her, she is so great! She’s really funny and she always says what she means and on top of everything she’s just too nice. She is not afraid of responsibility and organising things, plus she has a great sense of humour. I have learned a lot about Japan from her, including some vocabulary. How could I have been so wrong about her!!! Keiko is great :)

Diana: our Spanish girl who is doing her Erasmus program here. She came and immediately won everyone’s hearts – a really sweet and nice person, easy to get along with. Marvin has special feelings for her (can’t blame him) and she is sometimes our co-conspirator in braking the rules business.

Anna: oh, we could write a book about her, Marvin and I. It would be a grosely funny one. “The thing”, that’s how we call her (le truc de merde). She is getting worse and worse, I think I’m gonna have to dedicate a whole another chapter to her and all the thingy-things. She is the only person that hasn’t really integrated into our group so far and I know more and more people who don’t like her. Strange thing. Gollum.

Chun-Yu: the new Chinese girl, replacing Xiang-Yan since January. She has been here for over a month and I know nothing about her. A rather non-social specie… She doesn’t speak French too well and always says “pardon” for not knowing how to express herself. If we offer her something she usually answers “no merci” in a rather grumpy manner.

Szofia (Sophie): the new Hungarian girl who’s replacing Steffi. She arrived not so long ago and doesn’t speak a lot of French yet, so I haven’t talked to her a lot. But she seems cool and funny, plus she’s the only person who is making an effort to clean our salon, that’s already a plus :)

Mme Perrin: our "landlady" who also lives in the shool with her husband. We call her the Fridge-Bitch because we suspect that she is stealing food from our fridges; and Chuppa-Chups because she is short and small with an unproportionally large head. She is the factor that stops us from enjoying the utter greatness of life and freedom here. I guess she will need an extra column as well.

Fred, PolM and Annabelle: the three students that we (Marvin and I) have become good friends with. We do stuff together outside school (sometimes inside, which is actually a big no-no), that mostly includes heavy drinking. Thanks to them I actually have a life outside this damned place. Thanks guys! If someone in charge would find out that we're hanging out with them it could be big trouble, so don’t tell anyone ;)

I guess that shortly describes everyone I'm more or less in contact with (living/working/having fun together). Closer thingy descriptions coming soon...

PS: some new photos are now up in pilt.ee

Lisboa vol 2

DAY 6 (27/12/2004):
The hard work goes on and on. First planning problems occur. It came out that brothers Steven and Bart had thought of plenty of big important things, but forgot about a lot of smaller but not least important stuff. Everything got quite chaotic and busy and since brother Bart didn’t have a lot of time himself, he entrusted me with navigating a crane. So I spent half of the day hanging under the sealing, putting tissue up using hundreds of safety pins and feeling seasick (did I mention I’m kind of afraid of heights?).
At lunch I met Matthias again and found out that my dear, crazy and beautiful Lithuanian girls have arrived. It was just too great seeing them again!
A long hard day like that just calls for a beer… or two. This time we didn’t bother to go too far and stayed right behind the halls in a small pub where the guys can enjoy German beer.

DAY 7 (28/12/2004):
Here we go! The meeting has officially started. I woke up at 5 AM to run off looking for the Estonians’ welcome place. I had to get there before the others and get an accommodation. This year was special because everyone were accommodated in families. I nearly made it there and suddenly found my Latvian friend Ivars whom I’d met in Macôn. After spending some quality time chatting with Ivars I ran off again to find my parish. Coming out of the metro station I discovered myself in the middle of a Lasnamäe-ghetto. The parish church was a “modern” building of red bricks. The people there were really nice and showed me the way to my family. The door was opened by an elderly lady who started right away speaking Portuguese with me. As I stepped inside I saw another woman and a man in a bathrobe discussing something in the kitchen. No one seemed to care about my presence. They showed me “my room” – a tiny thing with a two-story bed, which I was supposed to share with who-knows-who. I left quickly saying nothing and thanking God for the military base where I still had a bed and the German girls and that I never had to go back to that horrible smelly apartment again.
By the time I got to the halls I was already pretty tired, but there’s still a lot of work to do. Plus, no one but me knew how to drive the crane-thing, so I was forced to hang 6-8 meters from the floor again. By the time we were done (well, my supermotivated colleague Eva did the finishing part) I was absolutely tired to death. I tried to sleep for a while on the podium of the brothers while the choir was having their last repetition, but it was soon dinnertime and I still needed to find everyone to fix the meeting place and –time.
I sat for a while in front of the gate to the food halls, enjoying the masses flowing by. Some guys were playing drums, guitars, a bagpipe and who knows what else and also dancing, I guess what you can call a pre-dinner dance. I remembered from the last year that the circulation team never let anyone stop in the distribution way, so in order to be able to talk to Matthias I stopped at the end of one distribution line and helped a confused girl to distribute the good-old wet napkins. He was of course laughing at me (I don’t blame him) and finally it occurred that my little trick was not at all necessary – this years circulation team wasn’t too organised at that point.
After the first huge evening prayer our group met again to go to Bairro Alto and find a cool place to sit in. At about midnight someone called me. It was a person from the parish saying that the woman I was supposed to stay with had called in sick and wasn’t able to take any people to her place. The poor guy was probably shocked when I told him it was perfect and thanked him :)

DAY 8 (29/12/2004):
I have no more work, no responsibilities and no parish in which I could participate in a discussion group. What a pity, I guess I have to sleep longer… I dragged myself to the halls by lunchtime and after that had a nice walk along the river and in the park. The grass was green and the sun was shining. Nice.
But as you all know me – I can’t live without working (^^), so I had promised to a cool Swedish permanent guy Fredrik that I would help him out in the circulation team. Ok, I actually just wanted to get the orange strip for better access to forbidden areas :D. But I still enjoyed it very much (how could I not) – telling people where to go and where to sit and when to leave. Great. Reminded me of “welcome on the field”.
After work we went again behind the halls to an Irish pub, but since it’s expensive and everyone is tired we left quite early.

DAY 9 (30/12/2004):
I continue working for boss Fredrik, for which he is quite thankful because our team always seems to forget to show up. After work we go sightseeing with Matthias and Tobias (the two permanents). We were offered to buy some hash about 5 times while walking on the streets of the old town (Baixa). We politely refused. When it is time to get back to the halls it came out that the metro was out of order, so we had to search for a bus and were late for work. In the evening we go downtown and find a nice cabaré-type place with red drapes and a piano.

DAY 10 (31/12/2004):
The last day of the year. I’m still working in the circulation (man I love my work!), in fact I was doing such a good job that Fredrik considered giving me his walky-talky.
My free time I spend talking to some people. One Portuguese guy seems to know half of VHK (including Tom and Haiko etc)…
After the evening prayer my new old work begins again. It is time to start taking off the decorations. It really sucked because all the others were able to leave earlier for the mass in the cathedral and we had to do those pointless things until eleven o’clock (which means it was already new year in Estonia). Finally we got away and I ran with Liina to the metro and got to the cathedral all tired and sweaty right by the end of the mass – of course – and about 10 minutes before the New Year. All the people (permanents plus some sisters and other people involved) came out of the church and sang “Cantarei o Senhor” waiting for the fireworks and the new 2005. It was incredibly nice and so touching! Everyone were happy and hugging and all that stuff. Sweet. Then we all went to a parish nearby to have a “little” snack and some juice. (Juice! Can you imagine that! My first champagne-free new year!) Finally the guys decided to have a huge beer in order not to have an alcohol-free new year.
We took a taxi home and there I found someone’s wallet. He wasn’t rich, but at least he paid for my taxi ride. Happy hew year!

DAY 11 (1/1/2005):
Work starts again at 8 AM. Everyone was really tired, but happily we got all the things done in time. It finally got to me that soon all the dear guys would leave so I was feeling very sad. I discussed some extentialistic problems with Fredrik and then we all went behind the halls again to some cool pub.

DAY 12 (2/1/2005):
The last day my dear permanents are in town. I got up early again to drag myself to the other part of the town to see a live broadcasted mass in a monastery. After that the guys had loads of sightseeing plans: first we went to see the tower of Bélem, then we split up (I ended up hanging with Philipp, Daniel and Matthias). They all wanted to go across the river to Aveiro – to see the Jesus. So we got on the boat. As soon as we got on the other side, the bus that was supposed to take us to the right place, took off (not waiting for any passengers). The next one was coming in an hour. The guys decided to walk cause “it can’t be that far”. So we walked in the heat of the sun between the typically Portuguese little houses up the hill for about 1,5 hours. Of course I also tried to hitchhike, but being with three guys it didn’t work too well… Finally we found our way to Jesus, but then discovered that the elevator that takes up to him costs three euros. Instead of that we bought ourselves some beer and drank it sitting in front of the Jesus, looking at Lisbon over the river. Then we took some stones, wrote our names on them and built our own little shrine. The guys stood next to it and even sang a song in Portuguese, trying to get people to give us three euros. No luck.
Back in Lisbon we had a lunch and I went back to the halls wondering what to do that evening. While I was having a beer in the park by the river, the Lithuanian girls called and proposed to do something fun together. So we all went bowling, then played pool with the guys and in the end we headed towards the bars. Finally it was time to say goodbye. Everyone was leaving the next morning to return to Taizé. That made me feel really sad and empty, but then again so happy about how great it all was…

DAY 13 (3/1/2005):
I woke up with the knowledge that everyone was gone. It was scary. I suddenly felt really homesick, wishing to go back to my dear Tallinn, to my friends. In order to get rid of that feeling I went shopping. The feeling stayed, but the next day I was also leaving Lisbon, to hopefully come back again some day. Adeus e obrigada!!!

I've Been Thinking

I've been thinking about my life lately. Not about those silly/depressing old things like "where will I be a year from now?" or “how can I start an independent life?” No, more like “what’s the most enjoyable way I could make my dreams come true?”
I’ve noticed lately that dreams have a tendency to come true. You just have to want it bad enough. It just has to be something that’s right for you in the inexplicable long-term way. Dreams start coming true once you’ve got on the right destiny-tracks. It’s just about being on the right boat and let it take you wherever it’s going. I know that it sometimes feels you’re not on the right boat at all, but I guess all these “life is a flower”-moments are meant to emphasize the good stuff in life. Yeah, it’s the positive thinking bull. The safest way to get through it all is just let it flow.
Maybe dreams are actually our visions of future? Once you relax, stop thinking and panicking about all the floweriness and just let your feet take you forward on the track, your mind is freed from worrying about what was and what will be so it’s getting clearer images of what is waiting up ahead. Maybe we can actually see the coming events, but our mind twists it all into the impression that we’re imagining it (dreaming of it).
So anyways, maybe I should just sit back and relax and try not to think myself crazy about the technical part. I have an indistinct image in my mind, so I must not try to get it clear before the right time. I trust into the Whatever It Is that’s stronger than my conscious mind – I make a wish… ‘Cause in the end – all those loose ends always seem to run together at some point, even if you didn’t imagine they ever would.
Now I’m not saying that my future will be whatever I wish it would. I’m not claiming that I have any idea what so ever of what tomorrow will bring. It’s just that I’m not bothering myself with that as much any more. Tomorrow is always better as certainly as A is A, so why doubt it?

Taizé Lisboa 2004

First of all, I must deeply appologise for not writing for so long, it has been already a week since I returned from my trip to Lisbon. I guess, so far it has all been too "there" for me, still too near to talk about. Maybe it still is, but I'm starting to feel guilty, so here it is - I will try to describe as much as possible of what, where and with whom (using my notes, because otherwise it's all too mixed up in my head)...

DAY 1&2: I got on the bus at 14h30, we got out of Paris about an hour later. At first I thought that I'm lucky and get two seats in my disponsability, but no. They had to stop in Versailles (oh well, at least I can now say I've seen the castle), Tours and Bordeaux to get the bus really full. In the next morning we crossed Portuguese border and I was optimistic, but too early. The last hours were awful - it really takes too long to get across Portugal! (Reminded me of Poland somehow.) Plus the bus driver "forgot" the heating on maximum even though it was warm and sunny. After long-long minutes of torture we finally got to the station of Oriente - the place that later became the most important part of Lisbon (at least to me).

My first impression was - "wow! it's a real city!" Because Oriente is the center of modern arhitecture. But no time to waste on the sightseeing - I had to find the right bus to the right place. It took some time, but with the help of friendly people I finally got where I had to. Everyone were having lunch when I arrived and I already met familiar faces: the sisters, brother Matthew, Hugo, Markus (still looking good:), Marion (Denmark noh), some girls from Madras and permanents from La Morada...

They introduced me to my new roomnabers - some German girls) and together we went to the FIL halls, which are situated behind Oriente and where everything was supposed to take place. They also showed me my home for the next days: a military base, north of Lisbon, where they don't have heating, but the shower is hot and every time you leave, a soldier salutes you. Rather amusing :) Well, it's always good to get new experiences, huh.

In the evening we took the metro to the center (Baixa) for a prayer. We were just on time for the end... In front of a church was formated a mini-meeting of Germans with whom I joyned because they had bread, cheese and wine :) We first went to what they called the "blinking place" because they insisted I should see it. And what a sight it was! A great square and every house was full of little blinking blinking blinking lihgts. Highly unreccomendable for people with epilepsy! But it was funny. Then we headed back on the "blue street" (arc-like decorations under which we walked were intensly blue) and straight to the "coloured place", originally known as Praça do Comerção. The houses were changing colours and in the middle of it there was a statue which played stupid Christmas music. Perfect for a little funny break. It was fun even though I was only with Germans and really tired. A promising start in beautiful and warm Lisbon.

DAY 3 (24/12/04): still one day until they get access to the halls, that means no work. We went sightseeing to an old castle situated on a hill in the middle of Lisbon. In order to get there we had to take the old little tram, which was a real cultural experience! We made two circles with it just to make sure we know where to get out. By the time we got up it was already getting dark and we had a wonderful view on the great ancient city, which is full of blue-yellow tiles and mandarin/lemon trees. Enchanting.

Later we went back to the halls for a prayer and a Christmas dinner. It was small, but nice. Suddenly a girl stepped up to me and said: "Kas sa oled eestlane?" It came out that I wasn't the only Estonian there any more. We talked for a while, went to a churh for the mass and then home to sleep. Christmas don't matter.

DAY 4: absolutely nothing to do and the weather is not looking promising either. I was feeling a bit demoralised, plus started to get annoyed by the fact that I was always surrounded by German people and language. At noon the excitement rose a bit because the permanents arribed from Taizé by buses (two buses - for boys and girls, of course). I was really hoping to see Matthias, a guy I met during the summer, but he wasn't there. Instead of that - to my great and positive surprise - there was Liina, my old schoolmate. The rest of the day passed as it had started - doing nothing and waiting for the next day when first groups were supposed to arrive and my work to start.

DAY 5 (26/12/04): I started at 8 AM, my work was putting up decorations of two prayer halls. We weren't too large of a team, but we had to get everything ready within two days. Let the working-my-ass-of begin! We had to put a lot of orange cloth on the metal constructions and arcs to lift it all under the ceiling. That means tying hundreds of bows, using a lot of tape and being careful not to drop any cloth on the dirty floor.

Happy lunch break became even happier when I discovered that Matthias was there and working in the distribution. But I was still absolutely sure that he will pretend he doesn't know me, as Markus did. To my huge surprise he was really delighted to see me and we spent a couple of minutes chatting. It's always really great to see people you've met before, especially if they were as Nice as the flat-spoon-man :)

After the prayer I continued working until dinner, by that time I was already pretty exhausted. Thanks to "knowing" Matthias I succeeded to blend into the company of permanent boys and we all went out, looking for a place for a nice Portuguese beer. We went all the way up to Bairro Alto, where they have the best places in town. But everyone were too lazy to search for anything special, so we landed in the first place called "Jürgen's" and ordered beer. It was great fun watching the guys taking their first breath of freedom after spending months in a monastary :)

It was great fun and relaxation after a long day, but another one was about to begin, so we said good-bye and went to our lodgement places. By the way, the boys lived in a fire station!

...to be continued...