Lost In A Purple Desert...

и штож остается?
читать? мы читаем.
петь песни, дурачится?
и это есть все.
мы музыку слушаем,
в парке гуляем
покажется, мол штож им нужно еще?
што надо? единых по духу и мысли
не то мы свихнемся, я богу не лгу!
ведь если уж без придчины смеемся
штоб только заполнить в душе пустоту...

[a pertinent poem, written by my mom]

What I miss most here are the people with whom I could have an intellectual conversation and theorize about all kinds of philosophical issues, but unfortunately I haven't met anyone of that kind yet. I will bring a simple examlpe to demonstrate my discomfiture: out of the six other international volunteers here, only one (Diana, a Spanish girl) has read "The Lord Of The Rings" and she did it when she was eleven so she probably didn't catch the whole idea anyway. Maybe it is not an indicator of someone's intelligence, but at least it shows that I have a whole different world from these people and can't really relate to them. We have nothing in common. My desperate searches for friends outside Lucie Berger have failed miserably so far...
If any of my readers now want to tell me: "You are being so stupid and wining for no reason. Your life is as you live it, make it happen!" I could not agree with you less. In my opinion life just happens, we can make our choices but not make anything happen by ourselves. It's the luck or faith (as Gandalf put it) that takes us to places, to people. Of course it is possible to make an acquaintance with a desired person, but meeting someone like that at first would help a lot...

I can't help questioning my choices time after time, although there must be a reason for me to be here, I know it! But it can be quite sad (not to say depressing) to think about the next eight months here without any soulmates with whom I could discuss the floweresness of life or God's humor, nor work out any secret theories or revolutionary plans. I will have become a social idiot by the time I'll get out of here. What's the use of knowing French if I can not communicate any more?

First signs of degradation: a few days ago I was coming out of a shop when I suddenly heard someone speak Estonian. A man and a woman were discussing something right two meters away from me. I was so stunned to hear my dear mothertongue that I couldn't even think of anything to say to them (yeah, I know - "tere" would have been good for starters :). Besides, they noticed that I was staring at them and seemed to feel unnerved by that. The situation was so unbelievable to me that I just started laughing instead of telling the couple that I'm their fellowlander. They probably felt even weirder after that, so I just decided to walk away. It was funny. Maybe I should have talked to them? But I don't think it would have been too long of a conversation anyway...

By the way, I finally had a chance to talk to the monks and I must admit - it was a disappointment. They can't speak English very well (ok, that's forgivable). But they had no idea of Estonia nor even Finland! The lamest part was when the monk started telling me which countries are expensive and which are not. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I seriously would have expected more from a Tibet monk than chatting about the food prices. Sheesh! I must mention that the Taizé brothers are much better interlocutors as far as I've experienced. But I'm sure that all the great and interesting monks stay in Tibet. Too bad

It's also a shame that my most productive conversations continually take place through the internet and not here, face to face. Of course I'm glad that at least I have that possibility, but it's never the same. I'm still considering the ultimately desperate add-idea... I just need "my kind of people" here, someone I can relate to, someone who would understand me and share my ideas. In the meanwhile I noticed that I'm developing a wider inner world to where I escape whenever I don't feel like taking part of these French conversations and relations. I'm wandering around in my world, but I can't find any comrade conspirators here. Where are you???

Bad Apples "Can't Find A Way"