words <-> thoughts <-> actions

Thinking should not be taken for granted, even by those who don't do it very often. Thoughts usually appear as if from out of nowhere some say. Ideas! Yeah, rigt! The reason of most thoughts is something we heard or something we read about. The ideas of others. Ideas put into words.

So words should be even more deliberate than thoughts because they have the power to interact on others. Everyone knows what words can do, we wrote essays about it in basic school. Telling others to be careful with what they say has become such a banality that most of us don't even notice it any more. (Using the same words to tell the same things reduces their power?) Nevertheless, words can be interpreted in a million different ways and we should certainly keep in mind the fact that our interpretation is not the only one existing...
But that is not what I wanted to write about.

Thoughts have been racing in my head at the speed of light lately. All kinds of thoughts. Desperate, confused, surrendering, fighting, enlightened, funny, stupid, difficult, depressionist, egocentric thoughts. Sleep disturbing thoughts. Where they all come from? I'm not always sure myself. From what I've seen, read, heard, saw, felt. It's a synthesis of all and nothing. Most of them just fade into dust, erased by the new and better ones. Some of them I write down because I might need them later on. Some of them I say out loud (and rarely regret afterwards). But some of them I keep repeating in my head like a record: on and on and on again. The thoughts that have been going on for a long time without ever really stopping are the ones that I wanted to write about.

Because it's the ones that feel comfortable, the thoughts i'm used to, that appear in dreams and even in daydreams; it's the thoughts that lead to actions. I don't mean actions like brushing teeth or going out to have a beer with some friends. I mean actions that I've been thinking over, out and through for such a long time that at the end they become necessary for me to realise. Actions that enable me to move on, to other thoughts, leading to other actions. Actions that make me feel something. That make me feel better about myself and the ones surrounding me (the ones giving me those thoughts)...

Humorous, angry, mocking, provocative words leading to unsure, insecure, "pohhuistlik", self-confident, libertarian, depressionist thoughts and the tender vibration of a cutting-machine (tondeuse) on the back of my head...

What are we doing tomorrow Brain?

pour quoi j'ose pas?

miks ma ei julge?

A & R & T

rata-tata-tata-taaa
tara-tara-tara-raaa
tiri-riri-piri-tist
rotting rattling machinist
tranglatoorne aratist
tartu taratonirist
ratumaarjalik turist
ratigaalne retorist
tara tara tarte aux rats
türa türa train d'état
tartist rat artouring rong
raring tat taisait ping pong
rattist roem rolling rhymes
tarring tangles in distise
arritating arride ties
rat is artist and will rise

et elaks vanakool

keset kevadõhtu jorutavat joobust

pargis ühel oksal rippus poodu -

tavaline, hallis mantlis mees

kõlkus kaelapidi nööri sees

suu vaid oli veidi koerairvel

pilk näis seisvat ühel valgel pilvel,

aga jalad - ilusasti sirgu

justkui oleks äsja voodist virgund

- Evald Hermaküla -

Initial Motivation or Here We Go Again

Fist week of school has come to it's end and I have come to realise many things...

I now understand how little I did to get through last year, especially comparing to what I must do now. I have found out again that the university is all about undergoing the awfully annoying classes and tolerating horrible teachers in order to learn and evolve in the few subjects close to our heart. To apprehend a little more about who we are and what we want to be by the guidance of those so-called maîtres à pensée (maybe not exactly the "cultural heroes" that Limonov claimed extinct, but still a sort of little local gurus for those who appreciate their ideas). Pity for those who haven't found that sort of John Cage-like intellectual guides in the course of their studys. I did and find them most inspiring and motivating. Especially because the majority of lecturers give the reverse effect. This is what makes school tolerable, what makes me go on with more courage. This is why I love all of it so much!

I've also come to understand that, contrairy to the 2nd year, we are being taken very seriously now all of the sudden. As if we'd grown up over the summer. As if this year was a crach course, the ultimate test before letting us jump into the big void called life. And it is kind of scary, hearing teachers call us "future artists" and so on. I don't feel all that grown up at all...

And I'm only starting to realise all the oportunities that lie ahead and how much I've yet to learn. It's almost too much to handle. But time limits and stressful conditions are what make me work best. And I have the feeling that this is what we'll be having non-stop during the whole year. Terrifying but excellent. What more could I ask for!