Annu et sa Fautalité

When I was in 3rd grade (that means about 9 years old) I had this really annoying game. Well, fun for me, but annoying to others that is. The game was simple: sweeping with violent moves repeatedly over the heads of others with a small towel in order to annoy them and mix up their hair. The whole action was accompanied by a simple little song saying "mina ei ole süüdi" (I'm not guilty). As if trying to say to the world that I assume my actions, but I am not responsable for them... or something.
I still sometimes wonder how did my tolerant deskmate manage to bear me throughout the nine years of basic school.

Today, at university, I get quite often the feeling of being somehow out of the context. A weird creature who belongs and at the same time really doesn't. Maybe it's just me wanting to believe that I belong. Or maybe it's me wanting to believe that i'm different... Or both and at the same time.

As my game faded into history (to the gratification of many victims), a groupe (maybe it could even be called a movement) was created among some of my classmates. We called ourselves "nohikud" (the nerds) and we even had our own manifest and a song (which was about how the nerds are not particularly clean and are proud of their appearance). So I was now wondering if that groupe was formed in order to struggle against "the popular ones" (against whom I in later years used the old wisdom of "if you can't fight them, join them") or maybe it was an unconcious manifest of being different. And not WANTING to be, because in basic school nobody wants to be different! Maybe it was just something "just like that" for fun and amusement, behind which there actually is no psychological meaning.

The reason why I started wondering about it was today's History exam. I got this feeling of fatality while writing it. Knowing that I won't make it, but still doing it... Saying to myself that it's not my fault that I can't write things by the right standards and in French.

Therefor I present you:
How To Do The Impossible, lesson 1:

"mina ei ole süüdi!" think it, say it, shout it, believe it, suggest it, want it, exclame it, dare it, declare it, know it, throw it...

pohmakajutud. overhanging and monkeys.

It had been very long since the last time I had a party. It was unexpected but very much needed. Juan's appartment, lots of people and even more alcohol. I think I have never seen a party quite like this before - like in the movies, where the place is packed with crowd so that it's difficult to move around, the music playing loud and the fridge full of good drinks. Juan and his famous coctails. Lots of friend's friend's friends. A guy with a monkey (I poked the monkey in the ass and got no reaction..) . No stress. No worries. It was great. And I could have gone on and on but everyone who hadn't left, started falling asleep at about 4AM and I had to work in the morning, so I left them to their soon-to-be hangovers.

This morning I woke up later than I was supposed to, missed my working time and didn't feel completely sober yet, but I just thought to myself: "hi-hi" and didn't worry about anything. Ahhh... quel bonheur!

It's quite amusing to remarc what different people do when drunk. My mission of the evening was to "arrange" couples (since I have no need to do it for myself I do it for the others ;). Or more like show them "the right way" (mostly necessary for the guys who are too shy and who just don't get the point). I think it actually worked a little. For example: I started talking to the "third party" who was obviously in the way and then the alcohol/attraction did the rest. I guess sometimes it was quite obvious, but harmless. Pas des pretentions.

Alcohol is funny when not overdosed and if everyone around you have consumed equally. Being sober and watching drunk people is not funny. Being the only drunk person is embarrasing. And then there's this overwhelming intelligent conversation part: talking about something superseriously without actually progressing to any conclusions. Last night I talked about the soviet union and repression politics, about breaking through in art business, about school and Estonia and lots of other stuff, but it was just small-talk and I don't have to feel bad about not remembering what was said. Nor feel bad about talking a lot about nothing or saying stupid things like: "you know, you look like a rock star". Huge parties are great because you can talk to lots of people and if at some moment they become uninteresting you can just swich to someone else and nobody minds.

Thank you mister hangover-god for this blessed evening. Or should I thank Juan and his super organiser skills? I can happily go on working and studying, now that I feel normal and social again. Amen.

Nothing To Say

Three out of four lamps in my room don't work any more so I have this non-stop romantic ambiance here. Ligthed by the laptop screen.
Viiruk põles ammu ära.
Laua peal on segamini palju asju: märkmikud, sõnaraamatud, rohud, plaadid, pliiatsid, sendid, tühjad karbid ja kilekotid, tolm ja tshekid. Põrandal on mitmed erinevad kotid, jalanõud, kunstitarbed, ajalehed ja erinevas seisundis paberid, mõned sokid ja tühi Faro pudel.
I've been doing nothing the whole weekend. Haven't got out since Thursday afternoon, after my esthétique class got canceled and I had nothing better to do than just enclose myself in my room. That's the third week when I'm babysitting on the weekend night.
Today I've been reading the not-so-new-any-more Harry Potter. It's not getting too interesting. I almost fell asleep.

My life is so boring. I feel like a vegetable. Like some grandmother. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Like I can't get out. Can't get away. Where would I go? I feel like shopping, there are so many things I could use right now to make me feel better... But I have no money to do that...

Käisin vanas tuttavas tudengite nn toetuskontoris vm, kust saab õppetoetust ja ühikat taotleda jne. Milline teenindus, sõbralikkus ja abivalmidus, lihtsalt uskumatu!
Tahtsin (veel üks kord!) teada, kas ma saaks järgmine aasta toetust. Vastus (põiklev kuid ülikompetentne): ei tea, tule hiljem tagasi või mine küsi teise inimese käest. Yeah, génial!
Mis mõte sellel üldse on? Nagunii ei saa. Ma ei looda, ei usu enam. Nagunii pean hakkama virelema ja veel hullemini kui see aasta. Otsima jälle tööd (võimatu!) ja elukohta ja täiesti üksi hakkama saama, sest "kallis sa pead iseseisvalt elama". Ja mis siis kui ei saa? Kui ei suuda? Kurat küll. Persse kõik ja Tallinna Rimi siit ma tulen. Tant pis pour nous tous. Kes on süüdi?
How lame, how devastating on mõelda juba praegu sellele, mis ma aasta pärast tegema pean.

Oh when will it end? Ou Plutôt: why won't it end quicker?

Tahaks juba ema pakki saada ja leida sealt palju lohutavat kommi ja barankat, mida siin oma toas vaikselt krõmpsutada püüdes unustada kõik...

külm on süda ja tühi on kõht
perset sügan ja sinna saadan kõik
dekadents

Things I Like [vol 2]

I like artistic correspndance by mail. It hasn't taken off too productively yet, but there are plenty of ideas. I should make a 'carnet des idées' to make sure I won't forget something important. The first thing I would probably write down would be a photo-film about the adventures of a back-pack who lost his backpacker. Maybe he shouldn't jump off tour Eiffel in the end, why not make a happy ending where he finds a real good buddy, a hitchhiker ;) (Xavier)
I also like Kinder Chocolate. Maybe a little too much. I never get enough.
I like practical evaluations at school where I can see all the works that the others have done departing from the same subject. They as well have lots of ideas. I would like to join the forces and make something unseen, but artists are egoists as they say, I don't know if it would work...
I like being home alone and cooking for myself and listening to loud music and dancing like Freddy/Eerik while shouting out "ja vabaduus. ja võrdsuus. ja vendlus. ja õugluus. ja pee-eeldiik..."
I like the short and precious moments of seeing Fred and being able to give him a huge kalli.
I like working under pressure: two days in a row studying till late and I'm not even tired :)
I like long and warm showers while everyone else are sleeping. I like taking coffee at the distributor at school and watching people in Palais Universitaire and in my year and wondering what are they planning to do with their art education.
I like the way Ombeline (the middle girl of 2,5 years) calls me something like 'hié' and I like the way the cathedral looks in the sunshine.

Things I Like [vol 1]

I know that I write a lot about how things are not going well and so on. You would think I'm a bitter old bitch who's never happy with anything, so I better change a little of style and write about the things that I like.

The first thing on my mind at the moment is school - Université Marc Bloch de Strasbourg and my field of Arts Visuels. I really like Palais Universitaire - the building of arts - it's huge and beautiful and has this artistic feeling to it. (Here's the view from the outside, from the inside and from behind with the park.)

A little about the subjects: my favorite out of all theory classes is the Actuality and Perspectives of Contemporary Art. I learn a lot, see new things and hear new names and what's most interesting - everything we learn is about Now, no history, no old conservative guys fighting about whether painting is more important than poesy or vice versa.

Then there's monsieur Goulon, my teacher in Atelier Gravure and Atelier Polyvalent. He is the best teacher ever, who knows exactly what he wants and how to get it to make our classes as productive as possible and show us the way to knowledge:) Plus, he doesn't stop making all these sarcastic (not really French-like) jokes. It's always fun and educating. He knows everything we'd get the impression.

In Gravure, our first assignment was to make an autoportrait, print it on a blank postcard and mail it to him. After that we were making nude croquis, which as I've learned is quite rare here.

In Atelier Polyvalent we have the whole semester to make a personal work and a research on the subject. I guess it's a good training for our final projects, but unfortunately I haven't had time to really work on that yet. I am researching the movement of Mail Art and my work was supposed to be a huge post pack with as many stamps as it takes to mail me to Belgium (it is actually impossible, I already asked at the post office. I should loose more than 30kg to make it, tant pis pour moi). When I told about this idea to M. Goulon he didn't seem to be superinspired so maybe I should get a new one... But what???

Another great class is English: we sit in a circle and talk, every week two studens have to present their personal work. It's very interesting to find out what others are doing and what they think. To me it's a real zen relax class where I can sit back and feel good.

Of course there are plenty of other subjects (12) and teachers, but as I decided to keep up a positivist line, I'd rahter not write about all the boring, stressful, difficult things.